When people see me holding a baby, they often ask, “Is this your first?” I understand why they ask, but it still stings. Most people see me as a mother of one. But I’m really a mother of two. My first baby, Juniper, died.
We were waiting for her arrival. I spent months getting ready to start a brand-new chapter in life. I was ready for sleepless nights, diaper changes, and baby cries. Then, just days before my scheduled induction, we heard the words no parent ever wants to hear: “I’m sorry, there is no heartbeat.”
Even though she was gone, I still had to give birth. During that terrible time, I searched for anything that felt familiar. I held her as much as I could in the hospital. I showed her to the nurses. I hoped I could feel proud of her and I truly was. We took photos, had a small ceremony, and tried to fit a lifetime into one day.
I left the hospital with empty arms. I had the postpartum pain, the emotional crash, but no baby to care for. People avoided talking about my recovery. Many acted like I wasn’t a mom. I was even asked, “When are you going to try again?”, as if Juniper was just a failed attempt.
But I was already a mom. Just because you couldn’t see my baby didn’t mean she didn’t exist. I missed her every day.
A few months later, I found out I was pregnant again. The due date was close to Juniper’s. I felt so many emotions hope, fear, and deep sadness. Strangers would ask, “Is this your first?” I would answer honestly, “No, my first child died.” People didn’t know what to say.
Two days before Juniper turned one, our second daughter, Coral, was born healthy. This time, we left the hospital carrying both a baby and a car seat. I finally got to do all the things I had dreamed about. I changed her diaper in public for the first time and smiled through tears. I was finally doing what I had longed for.
Still, every first with Coral reminded me of what I had lost with Juniper. When Coral laughed, I wondered what Juniper would have found funny. I will always carry both love and grief. I’m a second-time mom, but I’m parenting a baby at home for the first time. And I always will.
