I was by myself in the hospice room, just quietly observing at the blank wall. I couldn’t halt rational, “What just occurred?” For years I had fantasized, requested, and planned for my daughter. She was finally here. But what was hypothetical to be the gladdest day of my life rapidly turned into the nastiest. My heart felt like it had devastated into smithereens. The image of land her wouldn’t leave my mind, and it made it firm to breathe.
Courtesy of Jennie Wilklow
Courtesy of Jennie Wilklow
All had been fine during my pregnancy until my water broke at 34 weeks. Even then, her stats were okay. Because she was breach, we planned a calm C-unit. I heard her cry and they said, “She’s wonderful.” I smiled, rational everything was fine. But behind the curtain, things were not okay.
Courtesy of Jennie Wilklow
My baby girl had a rare skin disorder called Harlequin Ichthyosis. Her skin started toughening right after birth, and then it fractured, creating deep injuries. The doctors rushed about, trying to help her. I felt something was incorrect, but they gave me more medicine and I was put to sleep. My spouse had to make quick choices and was told our baby had a condition, but no one knew what it was. He held her and observed into her eyes before they swelled shut.
Courtesy of Jennie Wilklow
Courtesy of Jennie Wilklow
As soon as I woke up, I kept calling out for him. They told me he was with the baby. I asked if she was okay, and they said, “We’ll chat in the room. I didn’t ask again. I felt like maybe I had wished too hard for a baby girl and brought this on myself.
Courtesy of Jennie Wilklow
Courtesy of Jennie Wilklow
At first, they said it was a birth defect. I thought, okay, we’ll fix it medicine can do anything now. But my husband’s face said something else. He kept saying, “It’s bad.” I didn’t understand what that meant. Then he said, “Jennie, I looked into her eyes and saw the most beautiful soul.”
Later, they placed her in my arms. Her skin was so tight it made her fingers turn blue. Her feet were twisted from the pressure. The room was full of doctors who had never seen this before. She was fine, and then she wasn’t just like that. That’s how life changes. One second everything is okay, and the next, it’s not.
Courtesy of Jennie Wilklow
Courtesy of Jennie Wilklow
Courtesy of Jennie Wilklow
I remember wondering if maybe it would be easier if she didn’t survive. That thought still haunts me, but I know it came from a place of fear and pain. When I learned she might not make it, I felt like I would never be able to go on if she died. But Anna fought. She amazed everyone in the NICU. When I looked into her eyes at last, they sparkled with so much life.
Courtesy of Jennie Wilklow
Courtesy of Jennie Wilklow
As the days passed, I realized she might always need special care. It broke me at first, but then something shifted. I stopped focusing on what I couldn’t change and started loving everything I had. My daughter is brave, beautiful, and perfect. Anna was made for me, and I was made for her.
