On November 9, 2020, my life changed forever. I became something no one ever wants to be, a widow. My spouse died following a courageous 10-month fight against cancer. Numerous individuals lost a loved one that year, yet that knowledge does not lessen the hurt.
I realize that when others look at me, they experience fear. They fear that one day, it might be them, experiencing the loss of someone they cherish so deeply that it shatters them. That fear is real, and I understand it. At 51, most of my friends had lost a parent or grandparent.
Those losses are painful but expected. Losing a partner, especially young, is something else entirely. I lost not only my best friend but also our future, our routines, and the comfort of daily life.
I always thought I was strong. I have even beaten cancer twice. But losing my husband showed me a kind of pain I was not ready for. I realized I was not as strong as I thought. Greif makes me feel helpless and weak.
As time passed, the phone calls and cards slowed down. I know people still care, but their lives moved on, while mine felt stuck. I do not blame them, i am glad they are not going through this pain. But the loneliness is hard.
There is no one to greet me when I come home, no one to say goodnight or good morning, and no one to laugh with during a movie. Even simple things, like taking a walk, feel different now.
When people ask, “How are you?” It is hard to answer. They want to hear that i am okay or healing, but that is not true. I really want to say, ‘What do you think? But I just smile and say, “i am okay.” Maybe a better question would be, “How are you today?”
That would open the door to real conversation, if they are ready to listen. Some tell me i have lost weight and need to eat. What they do not see is how hard eating has become. I used to love cooking and baking.
Now just thinking about food makes me sad and cry. Every meal reminds me of my husband, what he liked, and what we shared. The pain even came from the ice cream in the freezer. People also stopped saying his name, maybe to protect me. But that hurts more. I want to hear stories, I want to know he is remembered. Yes, i will cry, but I already do.
So please, talk about him. If you really want to help someone to grieve, just be there. Don’t wait to be asked, just show up, drop off a meal, send a message, or take care of a chore. And most of all, let us be sad. Grief is heavy and lonely. What we need most is love, support, and patience as we slowly find our way again.
