The woman I called my mother was drunk a lot, even when she came to pick me up from school. She would take me with her to bars and stay way past closing time. She handed me coins for the pinball machine so I wouldn’t get bored. I kept urging her to go, but we ended up staying longer.
Courtesy of Tiffany Howell
On the way home, I was scared she might crash or get arrested. Many nights, I cried myself to sleep, telling myself I would never be like her. i wanted to be with my father because deep inside i knew he will love me more than my mother ever did.
Courtesy of Tiffany Howell
When I was fourteen, I finally met my dad. My mom drove me from Texas to Oregon while she was on the run from the law. The meeting wasn’t what I dreamed of. He felt distant, almost like a stranger. After my mom was arrested, I stayed with him for more than a year, but we never really bonded. I was still looking for love when I left at fifteen.
Courtesy of Tiffany Howell
At sixteen, I found out I was pregnant. I dropped out of school and got married to my first husband. The hurt from my childhood was still with me. Having a second child didn’t fix things between us, and we separated. I joined the Army, but my drinking got worse. I also became addicted to pills. The discipline in the military didn’t save me; it just gave me ways to hide my pain better.
Courtesy of Tiffany Howell
After I left the Army, I got involved in unhealthy relationships. While I was in jail, my son was abused and went into a coma. The guilt crushed me. I became homeless, started doing drugs, turned to prostitution, and worked as a stripper. I didn’t care about myself or my life anymore.
Courtesy of Tiffany Howell
During a short treatment stay, something changed. I felt God near me and asked why He let my life fall apart. Inside, I felt Him say, “I have never left you.” I wasn’t ready to quit my habits then, but that moment gave me hope.
Courtesy of Tiffany Howell
A few months later, I met a man at work who was sober. He pushed me to change. Even though our relationship wasn’t good, I stayed clean for him. 6 months later and my pregnancy’s test turned out to be positive again. He was abusive, and I was scared I would lose my daughter. But I fought in court and won custody. Later, my two older children came back to me after their dad’s addiction tore their family apart.
Courtesy of Tiffany Howell
Now, I have been sober for over five years. Recovery taught me to stop making excuses. I can’t control everything, but I can control how I respond. I don’t use drugs or alcohol anymore, and I don’t depend on a man to fill the empty parts inside me. Still, I live with PTSD, anxiety, and depression.
Courtesy of Tiffany Howell
Courtesy of Tiffany Howell
God and healing filled the emptiness I once felt. I used to get clean for others for a man, then my kids. Now, I do it for myself.
