Writing letters to express love has always been one of the trusting forms of love, and this story is about a mom who wrote a letter to her son diagnosed with Autism. Motherhood makes you selfless. You might be going through a storm, yet a mother chooses to stand firm and take care of and protect her children more than anything. What Mama chose to tell Joseph through a letter could make anyone sob.
Mama states that she wished that the moment she learned she was expecting a baby, she would have told him how much she already loved him. Although the family was joyful, she forgot to tell him that Mama already loved him. She wished she could say “I love you” every time baby Joseph did something that made her adore him, from scrunching up his face every time he needed Mama to when he did not like the taste of something. From his dark hair to the birthmark near his nose, his mother admired every little detail of her baby boy, yet she couldn’t express her love however she wanted.
Working tirelessly every day, Mama was so tired that she lost her ability to love unconditionally. Everyone around her told her and reminded her of a mother’s unconditional love. Yet, no one saw how tired she was of fulfilling her responsibilities and trying to become the best version of a mother for Joseph. She knew she was trying her best in every aspect that was in her hands, yet at the end of the day, when she sat tired after a long day of work, she ended up questioning herself as to why she did not feel the way people told her that she would as a mother.
The way the doctors confirmed that Joseph was autistic, she cried endlessly as she did not see this coming for him, and for herself. She feared that Joseph wouldn’t be able to live and see life in a way that he should have, full of beauty. She sat for hours all alone, sobbing when the thoughts that you might never know what to love and to live felt like all his life. She stated how she blamed herself for all that Joseph had to go through, as she was the one who wanted to have the child.
Although, since the diagnosis, every day is just another day of pushing him to his limits, trying her best to see if he would show some progress in speech and behaviour. Yet, it breaks her heart when people around her joke about her for trying so hard and passing looks. Their stares reminded her of the child Joseph could have been and the words he could have said without any effort. Again, she feels angry and guilty. It’s like a constant cycle of emotions that she is forced to feel!
Some days are more challenging than others, and the difficulty in communicating and understanding Joseph can frustrate her when she feels like a failure. However, through the letter, she wants Joseph to know about the countless times he has brought her joy in so many forms. When he sees his Mama upset, he asks her to smile, and when she drives, he asks if they will reach before the journey has started. All these moments never fail to make her smile. Whenever Joseph comes up to her to question her and tell her something new, the wave of pride she feels can not be put into words. They are glimpses of normality, of the fact that Joseph will learn everything, just later than others, which is okay.
She has no idea if Joseph will ever get to read the letter she wrote to tell him how much Mama loves him; however, she promises to make things easier and more fun for him. She had pledged not to let Autism define her baby and knows that for Joseph, nothing can weaken the love she feels for him!
