When your child musters up the courage to come out to you, every parent wishes to react with love, compassion, and the perfect words. But the reality is that few of us are actually ready for the moment. We live in a society where it’s illegal to be part of the LGBTQ+ community in most locations, and even where they are accepted, most parents still only dream of their kids growing up to become who the traditional notion of love would have them boy meets girl.
That all changed for me the day that my child felt comfortable enough to come out. They left a little note stuck to their bedroom door before leaving for school. I didn’t see it until after they were home later that night. The note read simply:
“Hello.”.
Dear family, I wanted to tell you that I’m bisexual and have a crush on both girls and guys. I hope that’s alright with all of you. I’m still learning about myself and don’t feel like labeling myself. I just thought you should know.
I just stood there silently after reading it. My heart was full of surprise, confusion, and pride all at the same time. I didn’t know what to say, but I knew I wanted to say the right thing. When we sat down and talked, I asked them to tell me what it was to them and listened with an open heart. I thanked them for believing in me, said I loved them just the way they were, and we hugged forever. I could sense the relief at that moment the burden my child had been bearing was finally removed.
I’ve always been someone who’s willing to listen and learn as a scientist. But this was new ground for me. I explained to my child that I didn’t know a lot about LGBTQ+ identities, but that I did want to learn and that I wanted us to learn together. Being honest opened the door to understanding and growth.
My child also opened my eyes to the world over time. They explained to me what it is to be bisexual, and then a second time, they came out as non-binary and trans, with new name and pronouns. That was a learning moment for all of us once again. We didn’t always succeed, but we kept practicing. We discussed gender and identity candidly, and how much some of our assumptions had been ingrained.
Certain family members had a hard time understanding. That gender could be something other than male or female was difficult for them to grasp. Changing the pronouns and a new name required effort, patience, love, and compassion. But I reminded all that this wasn’t about us it was about accepting and providing our child with the safety they deserved.
Meanwhile, a friend had asked for guidance regarding their own child’s coming out. As I answered, I saw how little literature there was to assist parents who were attempting to guide their LGBTQ+ children. I decided then and there to write my book, Bi The Way. I wanted it to be a short, honest manual something that would help other families learn, support, and grow together.
Initially, I was concerned about backlash. Would individuals judge me for speaking out about this? But parenthood is about doing what’s best for your child, and if telling our story would help just one family, it would be worth the risk. When the book was published, emails and letters from parents and youth flooded in. They told us the story made them feel less isolated. That erased every fear.
My greatest lesson is easy hear without judgment. When a child shares their truth with you, the greatest thing you can do is believe them. Believe them. Believe them. Support them. Learn with them. Their identity may change or it may not, but your love should never falter.
The world is full of every type of person, and that’s what makes it lovely. As parents, it’s our responsibility to instill in our children the knowledge that love, in every guise, should be celebrated not feared.
