Questioning My Identity
I lay alone wrapped up and safe while noisy world moved around me slowly i closed my eyes and drifted into peaceful sleep.
I wrote this imaginary letter to myself to myself on June 13, 2015
My name is Mei Hua Steen Winkel. This Chinese name was given to me by my adoptive parents. adopted from China to the Netherlands at three. To be honest, I was never super interested in my adoption. My environment was very open, and I didn’t feel different than anybody else. The curiosity about my adoption started when I got older, and people kept asking me what I thought about adoption. While adoption for me is very normal, I don’t know any different than this. As I got older and went to big cities with friends to meet, I experienced racism. Things were shouted to me, while I thought, ‘I am not Chinese, I am Dutch!’ This situation was super confusing for me, because who am I actually? Am I Chinese or Dutch… or am I Chinese with Dutch thoughts?
Let me take you through the head of an adoptee. I became the daughter of two Dutch people. The orphanage told my adoptive parents I was abandoned at a fence, found by a police officer, and brought to the orphanage. For a few months, I lived with a Chinese foster family but after a year, most of the young children are sent back to the orphanage. I grew up there for 3 years. The orphanage gave me the name Shen Hanfang. When my adoptive parents got the news they could start their adoption journey, they sent the orphanage a disposable camera and a little toy rat. They asked the orphanage if they could take some pictures of the children, especially of me. They did this so I would have some pictures of myself for later, and for themselves of course.
meeting my adoptive parents as child was confusing and emotional leaving me with my insecurity but also unique perspective as an adoptee. over time i grew close to my family embraced my identity ands learned to balance my European upbringing with my chine’s roots
Longing To Find Biological Family
i thought about finding my family biological parents as teen but feared the unknown while building a happy life
I became curious about my roots started when the first lockdown came to the Netherlands. Luckily, I have friends, and I love the life I am living. But I couldn’t help but think, ‘What if I lose everything? What if my adoptive parents die? What if I lose contact with the friends I have? I will have no one and will be all alone again.’ Truth is… I can’t accept to lose me, the only one I must stand close to is myself. If you lose yourself in life, you will lose it all. I’ve always wanted to be accepted, to be liked by others but, it’s not about wanting to be accepted by others. I must accept myself for who I have become.
i often wonder about my biological family but I’m learning to embrace my roots thanks to a supportive friend.
In August of 2020, I decided to take the first step to find my biological parents. I bought a DNA kit. A few months later, I had a search poster made. My search was in the news in China, and I got in touch with the caretaker from the orphanage. I started an Instagram page where I have been posting every step of the journey. I also share a lot of thoughts going through my head as an adoptee. Some adoptees will recognize themselves, others might not. I did this because I found it hard to start. I didn’t know anyone who had started a search for their biological parents and there was not much information on the internet or one platform that gave advice.
Adoptee Awareness
i hope my page helps adoptees starting their search showing that while adoption is hard it not all negative
I am certainly grateful for my adoption, but I find it difficult when people say I SHOULD be grateful for my adoption. I understand if this sounds confusing for non-adoptees, but I think an adoptee will understand this opinion of mine. I hope with my story adoptees who find it difficult to deal with their feelings learn from my journey it is okay to express your feelings. You do not have to be ashamed. If you are an adoptee and you would like to talk about your feelings with an adoptee, feel free to send me a message.
Please don’t be a prisoner of your own thoughts! The only answers that are right are the answers you get from the source that has answers, not from the people who think they always have an answer. I think I grew up in a different way than most, but at the same time, I was able to be just as much as a child as any other non-adoptee. I got a new chance and got opportunities I probably wouldn’t have had in China. Everything is still a question; I can’t wait to get my questions answered.
I am an open book, and I want to share my life. If you are more interested in my thoughts about adoption, how I dealt with them, and how I live my life, you can find my Instagram. I would love to hear your thoughts or to talk about different opinions from many perspectives.
