At age of 4, I discover di had hearing loss got hearing aids. I hated feeling different and tired to hide them. I also disliked the FM system that made me stand out. I feared anyone discovering my hearing aids school rules and teachers comment caused panic and my hair became my shield even wind worried me as i tired desperately to hide my deafness.
Wherever possible, I didn’t use the FM system, and it remained unused in its box. This changed when my teacher of the deaf began insisting I started to use the FM system more regularly. She made the teachers aware I was responsible for making sure the system was used. For most people, this would seem to be an easy task, but for me, it created overwhelming fear.
I didn’t want to have to go in front of the class with this specialist equipment. I thought it was so visible around the teacher’s neck, and I couldn’t separate myself from the device. In my mind, I believed I was becoming the centre of everyone’s attention for all the wrong reasons.
I started to arrive early to school so I could leave the equipment on the teachers’ desk instead of having to hand it to them in front of everyone. The whole issue started to completely overwhelm me. My mind was constantly taken up with worries of when the teacher would next single me out, checking if the FM system was functioning correctly. My mind would be completely fixed on the thought of everyone looking at me, and knowing I was different. When this did happen, my chest would tighten up, and I would break out in a sweat.
This anxiety-induced chest pain became such a constant feeling that my mom took me to the doctor, and I was diagnosed as suffering from panic attacks. My mmm would constantly tell me, ‘Your hearing aids aren’t a big deal and one day, you’ll see that.’ However, the problem was they were a big deal to me. I just wanted my feeling to be considered and listen to. I was very fortunate in that I was never bullied at school, but the desire to blend in and not be identified as being different cannot be underestimated.
When the time came to choose a secondary school, I looked at all the local options. The trouble was they didn’t have specialist hearing units. I did, eventually, find a school that had what they called a ‘hearing impaired’ unit. Straight away, I knew I wanted to go there so I would no longer be the only deaf student in the class. I wanted a completely fresh start where I could feel comfortable in a school environment.
After winning appeal to attend a new school i gained confident and control over my hearing aids however my hearing worsened and i feared losing it completely but found stability.
I finished secondary school and started college. My confidence has grown massively in all aspects, although I still found it hard to get over the initial fear of telling people about my hearing loss. I made sure my teachers were aware of my deafness but still didn’t raise the issue with my classmates.
Despite settling in well, I felt there was a weight on me. It was as if I was carrying a secret, one that had been with me all my life. Although I didn’t care if people found out or knew I wore hearing aids, it just wasn’t something I had ever voluntarily disclosed. After nights of wondering what to do, I decided I no longer wanted to feel I was hiding my deafness.
I posted a picture with my hearing aids and relieved supportive feedback in college my hearing worsened causing isolation and panic attack I advocated myself by asking teachers for accommodation.
When nothing was done, I asked student support to help me change things. They set up meetings with my teachers so the issue would be taken seriously, but one teacher didn’t attend, as she believed ‘she knew everything about deaf awareness, as she had minor hearing loss in one ear.’
In collage i faced frustration with teachers not meeting my needs over time i grew stronger in my deaf identity now studying British sign language and helping other in similar situation
There is nothing I can do to change my deafness; therefore I must embrace and work with it. I can now leave the house with my hair tied up without giving it a second thought. I have grown stronger and more confident, even opting for solid black ear molds (inspired by Bianca Taylor in Creed II). Through social media, I have reached others and can share my experiences with them. No matter what, you can’t let deafness stop doing what you want to do or achieve.
I know how difficult it can be, and how it’s easy to lose confidence. But just remember; the problems aren’t of your making. If others can learn to be a little more considerate, life for those with hearing loss can be improved. My goal is to be the person I once wished I had.
