I faced the silent struggle of infertility, navigating tests and treatments with no clear answers. After months of uncertainty, we began medicated cycles, hoping for a baby despite the unknowns.
Alas, no amount of monitoring was helping so we started IUI (Inter Uterine Insemination). If you are unfamiliar with what IUI is, I’ll save you the google search. Basically, the doctors do all the fun for you via a catheter. It’s not fun, but it’s not the HSG test,s there’s something for you.
After three of those and a small investment in Kleenex, we were no closer to starting our family and I was done. Literally, physically, mentally, and emotionally done. My exceedingly supportive husband agreed to a break. After all, the world will tell you, ‘It happens when you are least expecting it.’
After years of hoping, I focused on nurturing sick puppies, which felt close to motherhood. Then my husband and I decided to do everything possible for children, and two months later, we began IVF.
Prior to going through IVF myself, I had no idea IVF wasn’t just a one deal kinda thing. There’s a lot that goes into it. The first and most important part is egg retrieval. My personal experience with this was positive. We were blessed to retrieve 26 follicles (eggs once mature) and at the end of the fertilization/growth and chromosome testing phase, we had 11 perfect embryos.
Next, we planned our frozen embryo transfer cycle to transfer our single best embryo into my uterus via a catheter. The preparation for this was not as difficult physically and while it included some pills, patches, and injections, it was nothing like the egg retrieval.
After our transfer and then a 2-week wait, I heard the words I had prayed over for a long, long time. I had not just prayed, but I had prayed in every church, in every town, and mostly on my knees all over the world for this moment. I was ‘pregnant.’
The next few weeks showed me a side of pregnancy I’d never knew existed. In my naivety, I thought that the hardest part was going to be getting pregnant. Who knew staying pregnant would be such a challenge? It was unfortunate and I miscarried our most perfect embryo at 7 weeks. We never saw or heard a heartbeat but I’ll never forget holding my hope in my hands and sobbing on the bathroom floor. Nobody and nothing can prepare you for that part of your wedding vows.
Looking back, I’m sure it was the ‘to have and to hold’ part of the vows. Think about this will you when you are marrying someone. Who will be there holding you as you sob on the bathroom floor? Who will pick you up, carry you up the stairs, and put you to bed when you can’t do it for yourself? My husband and I lost our first pregnancy, our hope was gone.
I entered a depression I had never known. I didn’t smile, a real smile, for almost a month. I cried, a lot. Sometimes while I was working, I would set aside my laptop and sob at the top of my lungs because I physically couldn’t hold it in anymore. I wanted desperately to try again, so 2 months later, we did just that. Our second round of IVF, this time with 2 perfect embryos. After a tumultuous 6 days, my husband tested for me. I couldn’t bear to do it myself and so he told me the news. I was pregnant.
God guided us perfectly our first miracle, Bennett, arrived at 40 weeks, bringing pure joy. When trying for another, our third IVF transfer worked, and we discovered we were expecting twins.
Being the overthinker and researcher I was, I knew so much bad can happen, but it didn’t. Our girls grew healthy and strong till 36 weeks on the dot when they came into this world via c-section.
We now have three healthy baby girls under two, and life is busy but beautiful. Infertility was hard, but it gave me perspective and a deep appreciation for the family we have.
