“Birth is the most joyous moment in human experience, as far as Maya was concerned, although life had something different in store for her.” Five years earlier, she had brought forth life in the form of her son, Finn Patrick, on Halloween morning early. There was silence, no cry, when he was born, and it was itself an answer. There was silence. However, she was not ready to accept it. Her whole world was shattered.
A nurse placed Finn into her embrace. Maya and Jeremy held him, cautiously and slowly. They were attempting to commit his face, his small fingers, and his weight against them to memory, as it was the first and last time they had their fin in their embrace. They knew that this was all that they would ever get. Nobody had to verbalize that they knew. They walked down the hallway without hands full, and it was more complicated than she had thought as People walked around them, chattering, laughing, living. Too bright, too loud.
However, this grief was still there even after four years. Life was filled with appointments, procedures, and long waits in queues. The fact is, they still had hope, even with all those endless episodes of disappointment. Then, somehow in all of this, Maya lost her mother. This added to the fact that she wanted to love her baby like she had loved herself. Later, she found out that she could not easily retain a baby in her body.
One morning, she decided to take a pregnancy test and found two pink lines. She cried softly as she sat on the edge of the bathtub. She repeated the test, which was negative. The two of them had undergone acupuncture treatments and had plans pending. Nevertheless, this first test remained in her memory. It was enough for her to convince herself of the news.
They told some of the family members, but tragically, weeks afterward, the pregnancy terminated. The pain was deeper, but something lingered. Finally, after some time, they attempted again, and this time fear creeped into their actions. During the ten-week visit, the doctor checked for the heartbeat and couldn’t locate it immediately at first. Maya was nervous. Finally, the screen lit up with some movement on it. That was the baby. From this moment onwards, Maya was alarmed by everything.
Her body began to change. Her stomach expanded. She envisioned holding her child, pictured a future that loomed before her, within reach. In the twenty-week scan, the technician stopped talking. She walked out of the room and brought a doctor. The words were soft, but they shattered the whole world. Their baby was gone. The days following the birth of Finn passed in a blur. Three days after Finn’s death, the due date for their first pregnancy rolled around. Maya did not feel like going out. She and Jeremy took a walk. She put the small container holding Finn into her pocket. They walked in their favorite park, thinking about the life they had considered, not talking much.
Months passed when she became pregnant again. This time around, joy brought other companions as well. Fear was her constant companion. Every day, Maya made the same vow to herself. This baby is healthy. I will hold this baby. The crying and sighs of relief filled the room at the birth of Will. Now and then, unconsciously, Maya referred to Will as Finn. The loss had not alleviated because she loved Will, but it had made it possible for something softer to co-exist with it. Later, their youngest son, Asher, entered her life. With each powerful cry, they were reminded of all they had lost and all they now possessed.
Finn was still part of their story. If Finn had lived, Will and Asher would not be here. The reality stung, but it also filled them with gratitude. Through Finn’s brief life, they had seen the greatness of their own love. Halloween never felt like a simple holiday again. Their house, filled with pumpkins and masks, but the day meant something. Maya knew Finn lay with her parents. In the tough days, she felt their presence. She thinks that one day she will meet Finn again. Until then, she takes Finn with her, sharing the story of Finn so that all these parents will know that their pain has a name, that they are not alone.
