I never imagined someone like me a suburban, educated working mom could be an alcoholic I believed addiction only happened to people from chaos loss and families.
I grew up in Connecticut my parents divorced young but reunited before my high school. My dad was always in my life, though. He coached my soccer teams, went to my dance recitals, and I was a daddy’s girl. me and my mom had a rocky relationship. Whether it was with school, sports, or my social life, she always wanted more, and I felt I could never live up to her standards or be the daughter she wanted me to be.
I worked hard in school and college but drinking slowly became a problem i kept excusing motherhood grounded me, yet grief later pushed my drinking into dangerous territory.
I remember showing up to both funerals and having a good buzz so I could get through the pain. I was the only grandchild who read a Bible passage, and I could barely hold it together. My grandparents practically raised me. They would get me off the bus, take me blueberry picking, and to fancy restaurants all over Connecticut in the summers when I was off from school. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was left with this massive void in my heart when they passed
After my grandfather passed away in January 2014, my boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me, and that’s when I drank at night to ease my loneliness and grief. I just felt so abandoned by everyone that alcohol became my best friend. It was there for me when I was sad, when I was anxious, even when I was happy. It didn’t matter what emotion I felt. Alcohol was the answer to my problems.
One year later, I confided in my therapist I thought I was drinking too much. I didn’t even tell her the exact amount, but I knew I needed some kind of help to get through this. I trusted her, and that bit me in the a*s. After I had confided in her, hours later, I received a phone call from her, ‘I have to call Child Protective Services on you.’
I was crying hysterically, pleading with her not to, stating he was my whole world and the only thing I was living for. She said, ‘I have a duty to report you,’ so I packed up a bag. That night, it was snowing like crazy, so my son and I went to a hotel until we could drive to my mother’s house in Connecticut. I just wanted to get out of my house because all I could think of were the police coming to my house and ripping my son out of my arms.
The next day I ended up going to the hospital to spend the night so the doctors could keep an eye on me. I had told them I wasn’t drinking that much, and I had only been drinking heavily for the past month. So, they boiled it down to anxiety, and I ended up getting referred to an intensive outpatient anxiety program in Rhode Island. My sister picked me up from the hospital. I was in such a haze, so I stayed with my mom for a little while and then drove back home to get back to ‘normal’ a few days later.
I took a leave of absence from my job and was able to focus 100% on myself. I didn’t drink for about a month, and then I celebrated the end of the anxiety program with a bottle of wine. I mean, how stupid could I have been? Alcohol made my anxiety worse even I lose my self control.
My face was always so splotchy. The dark circles under my eyes got more and more prominent. I was always the girl who had to wear makeup and be somewhat presentable. I was waking up in the morning so hungover I threw on some clothes, put on some mascara, put wine or vodka in my coffee cup, and headed out the door
At the end of my drinking journey, I was filling my Yeti cup with wine, vodka, basically any type of alcohol that could get me through. I was driving to work, working, going to the liquor store on my lunch break to either get more wine or nips (mini bottles of alcohol), going back to work, and then driving home at 5 p.m. I always made sure I had enough alcohol to have a steady buzz. I’m forever grateful I didn’t hurt anyone while I was driving under the influence. Something that still haunts me to this day is all the times I drove after drinking.
My drinking cost me my job and nearly my sanity but detox support and sharing my story led me to sobriety and creating sober mom tribe to help other mother heal.
I believe there’s an extra layer of stigma for mothers who are getting sober. We’re left with so much shame and mom guilt it can be hard to move forward from our past. I truly believe the life lessons of resilience, perseverance, and going against the grain are more valuable than anything our kids can learn in school. Being sober isn’t a weakness; it’s pure strength.
I commend every mother who is sober in a world that glamorizes alcohol. Some days can be hard, but those days pass, and you’re left with the gift of a clear mind, patience, and presence for your children. I share my story, so you know you are not alone. You are not your past, and you are worthy of a life without alcohol. I’m rooting for you.”
