I tired drinking at 14 and buy at 18 I struggled with an abusive relationship and toxic alcoholism family.
My childhood was chaotic moving between homes I remember painting our living room lime green on rollerblades. Then there was the other side, my father who was very strait-laced and strict. His wife would put locks on the pantry, and there was a ‘no water on the carpet’ rule. My father’s wife was the strictest woman I have met in my life. It very clearly was her home, and I was on thin ice with my welcome. My father travelled for work, so he was gone constantly. I thought, ‘I don’t belong.’ I think that initial feeling set the tone for the rest of my life to search for a place I did belong. A place that was home, and full of love is the only thing I wanted.
When I was 16 my mom who had always been sober suddenly struggle for addiction and left for newyork.it was very tough and difficult time i was moving all alone finding way to settle peacefully anywhere. But my problem always followed me. We both got sober and rebuilt our relationship.
I struggle with drinking in my 20s but now 365 days sober I feel empowered.
I had to make some really hard choices in sobriety, one of which was to cut almost all contact with my dad. He has gone off the deep end with his political propaganda and his drinking. My dad has always been a heavy drinker, but that, mixed with the very mismatched views of the dad I once had, was the nail in the coffin.
I faced my trauma to understand myself, and with therapy, sobriety became hard but rewarding work.
My first attempt at getting sober was in 2014. I was a makeup artist in New York stepping out of fashion week season. My dream was to be a makeup artist in New York. I can remember playing in my mom’s makeup. I just always had a real passion for the art. I had finally reached my goal of doing runway makeup for B Michael America in NYFW Fall 2015. I had decided to go home for Halloween and see some family. I had a newfound lease on life. I was able to get 3 months sober under my belt and truly was killing it.
I was hit by a car badly injured and felt abandoned when my dad didn’t believe me.
I had very little purpose after that, and I still very much struggle with the PTSD and great loss of my makeup career. I had 3 months of bed rest and was unable to return to New York. I couldn’t walk so I had no options. Slowly, the boxes from my New York City apartment started to show up, and I was just in such disbelief at what a left turn my life had taken, I couldn’t bear to unpack them.
I maintained my sobriety until I was able to walk again, and then I truly could not have cared less about life. I crawled into that bottle full of shame and grief and it took me years to crawl myself back out. I had to make a choice: ‘Do I want to spend my life mourning ghosts of a life lost, or actually live?’’ Ultimately, after a lot of trial and error, I chose life.
with sobriety i faced my past handle my dui warrant and rebuild my life after hitting rock bottom.
I remember once I blacked out within the first hour and my family wouldn’t speak to me for months. I had gotten so drunk and I was so angry, I just spewed a bunch of hateful stuff about my dad to his brother. I would choose alcohol over almost everything. I would mourn with alcohol, celebrate with alcohol, and survive with alcohol. I feel like no matter what chapter of my life I was in, alcohol was there like a looming cloud. I truly am lucky to be alive.
At 29 I chose sobriety, supported by my boyfriend he embraced a new peaceful life.
My time is spent differently now. I have turned 30 this year, and I have finally found where I belong. Despite a horrible pandemic, I have had so much uninterrupted time with my new family. We learned how to be a family unit, and it basically was a drill to show up for them as the woman of the house. I have nurtured a man I love and was able to receive that love back full force. Sobriety is a beautiful gift. We spend our days baking cookies, juggling homework, a business, and dinners. I am, for the first time in my life, so hopeful about the future, and that is all because of my sobriety.
If you are struggling with sobriety, please reach out you are not alone don’t give-up stay strong and value yourself.
