Looking back, my story is about wanting to be accepted and finding comfort, and I found love and support at home and from my best friend.
In middle school, she had other friends. I went with it and just tried to be the kid who was always making jokes. This way, nobody noticed the many times when I really meant it that way. But I paid a huge price for it. The more they laughed about me, the more I hated myself. I noticed I was the weird kid; I noticed the boys ignored me, I noticed when they talked about me. I noticed a lot more than they thought, because of my very sensitive senses. And it hurt.
In high school I focused on science and art, but I could be as socially easy as my friend.
This is why, since kindergarten, I became a master in masking. Masking is something autists do to be accepted by society. It’s very, very energy draining. It’s like being an actor all day long. You watch people who seem to do well around others and perfect their posture, their way of talking, even the tone of their voice or how they move their face. Because these things don’t come naturally to us autists. I don’t feel like moving my face for expressions, it literally feels like overexpressing to me. Like I am trying to make a baby laugh by showing some grimaces.
I tried to act normal so people would accept me, but hiding my identity from people everyday left me exhausted and caused me depression and anxiety.
In the second year of high school, things went so bad I couldn’t go to school anymore. I couldn’t leave my bed. My fear of death, of losing everyone I loved, my fear of life, all of these weakened me to the point I felt like I couldn’t do it anymore. I screamed for help; I went to every professional I found with my mom. Imagine sitting in bed at night, feeling like your death is seconds away, but you don’t want to die. You want to flee, but you know you can’t.
Your brain just doesn’t know what to do. So, instead of having a panic attack lasting for a few minutes, my brain put me in a constant panic mode, which lasted for as long as I was able to fight. Which meant until I fell asleep, drained of all my energy. Fighting a battle I just could not win no one could win. But I tried, over and repeatedly.
Things were really bad, but the right therapist and group support help me a lot and I started feeling better.
I wanted no one else, not even the worst person on the planet, to ever feel like I did. Art and thinking about my dream job, becoming a doctor and helping others, protecting others from what I went through this is what helped me through the next years of school. I found friends who I protected from their own anxieties, who I allowed to completely use me so they felt better, who I let use authority over me so they could overcome their own PTSD.
I always was hyper-empathetic, an autistic trait, and this means I felt their pain like it was mine. I felt their pain in addition to mine. So, throughout the lasting school years, I lied to myself, hid my true self, let myself be used by others, and also lived through a very exhausting school. We had laboratories for eight hours and more, we had eleven-hour days, we had weekly tests. While all of this was extremely energy draining, it distracted me from the pain, the growing hate about myself, and the fear like a big thunderstorm deep inside my chest.
University helped me feel better for a while, but the stress of my internship overwhelmed me, and I had to quit for my better health. I learned I’m autistic and I accepted it and now use art and med school to help myself and others.
I started selling my art and I started my first YouTube channel. I also began to realize a few things about myself. I don’t have to give up myself to help others. Self-care is very important, and once I cared for myself, it was so much easier to care for others. It’s okay to set limits! I know myself best and I am allowed to fight for what’s best for me.
After learning I’m autistic, I started a new YouTube channel to share my art, self-love, and knowledge with others.
I want to erase stereotypes, to scream out to the world, ‘You, yes you! You are not alone! And you are okay! Being different is fine!’ But it is also important to me to highlight while we autists are beautiful and amazing the way we are, being neurodiverse in a world full of neurotypicals is hard. My senses are very sensitive, and this world is so loud. This world is built for neurotypicals and hardly ever allows difference. Finding a company that would allow me a room for myself, where I can calm down and I don’t need to mask for awhile, a company that allows me a less hectic schedule with breaks, a lot of flexibility and freedom, is very hard.
People can’t see my struggles, so I’m sharing my story to help others feel understood.
