I need to be honest.
There are days when I don’t feel like praying. There are mornings when I don’t even want to get out of bed, let alone open my Bible. On those days, suffering feels like it’s pressing down so hard that it’s stealing every ounce of strength I have. My faith is still there, but I have to fight for it daily.
People often talk about suffering, but usually in quiet, safe ways. What you don’t hear very often is the raw truth, how hard it really is. In church circles, I’ve heard plenty of “just pray harder” comments. And yes, prayer is powerful, but it’s not a magic trick to get everything you ask for. Prayer is how I talk with God. It’s where I pour out my fears, my heartbreak, my questions. And sometimes the answers aren’t what I hoped for. That doesn’t mean God isn’t listening. It means His will is different than mine, and that’s something I wrestle with constantly.
There have been nights when I’ve prayed through sobs so loud they must have reached Heaven. I’ve begged for healing for my boys. I’ve pleaded for this disease to disappear. And yet, here we are. The truth is, I don’t know why God has allowed Duchenne to remain part of our story. I don’t like it, but I trust that He has a purpose even if I can’t see it.
Some people may look at me and think I have unshakable faith. Maybe my words or posts have given that impression before. But the truth is, my faith isn’t perfect. It’s something I fight for every day. Some days I feel close to God and full of His peace. Other days, I feel numb, just going through the motions, hoping the fire will return. That doesn’t make my faith fake, it makes it real. Real faith is full of both highs and lows, joy and sorrow.
My life has beauty, but it also has unbearable weight. Watching my boys lose abilities because of a disease I can’t stop is heartbreaking beyond words. I live with anxiety, depression, and PTSD on top of that. If you’ve ever wondered where God is in the middle of your pain, I’ve wondered too. If you’ve felt guilty for even asking that question, know you’re not alone. I’ve been there.
Scripture is full of people who suffered. Paul wrote letters of joy and encouragement from a prison cell. Job endured losses so painful they’re hard to even imagine. David spent his life stumbling, repenting, and crying out to God, yet he was still called a man after God’s own heart. Elijah wrestled with despair. Jonah ran from obedience. Joseph was betrayed and forgotten for years before God’s plan unfolded. Even Jesus Himself, called the “suffering servant”, walked a road of pain beyond anything we could endure.
So when I suffer, I remind myself I’m in good company. Suffering is not a sign that God has abandoned me. The Bible says, “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you… when you walk through fire you shall not be burned.” That promise is what I cling to when everything else feels heavy.
Do I still break down? Absolutely. Some days I cry until I’m empty. Some days I fight off the urge to give up. But I always come back to this truth: I am not carrying this alone. The pain, the fear, the constant questions, they’re too big for me. They belong in God’s hands, not mine.
If you’re in a season of suffering, I want you to hear this clearly: don’t give up. It is not easy to trust God when all you see around you is brokenness. It’s hard to keep faith when you feel like your prayers are bouncing off the ceiling. But you are not fighting alone. God is with you, even when you can’t feel Him. And I’m cheering for you too.
The Bible says, “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.” That’s what I want my life to say in the end. Not that it was easy, not that I never doubted, but that I never quit.
So I keep going. I keep praying, even when I don’t feel like it. I keep opening my Bible, even when the words are hard to take in. I keep holding onto hope, even when suffering tries to crush me. And tomorrow, I’ll fight for my faith again.
